Who Am I?

Our adoption journey

Have you ever gotten to the end of the day and while laying face down on your floor, ask this question that echos in your head, “who AM I?” It’s your secret pain revealing with stark realization that you no longer know who you’ve become. You hate who you are, how you act, what you think, what you say, how you treat those you say you love and have no idea how you’ve gotten here, to this point in your life… prostrate on your floor. You’re miserable! You cry and swear and recite Bible verses you know to be true and plead with your heavenly Father for a glimmer of hope… again.

This is real. This is life. This is a road of fostering and adoption that so many have traveled before me, and will come after me. Not everyone’s adoption journey looks like this, but this is mine.

Rewind a few years… the undeniable call from God directs us to step into ‘fostering to adopt’ an older child, whose past is filled with trauma. This brings a wealth of uncertain and unknown territory ahead. As we leap into the process riddled with questions, we claim to be fearless, but we have no idea what life will become. Fostering and adopting is an amazing path, but it is not for the faint of heart! God will push you further than you thought possible, all the while pulling you closer to him so that he can hold you and guide you.

Yes Lord

When God calls, we answer. That’s just the way we live life. We attend a church whose mission statement is to be “A FEARLESS church of Christ followers, whose RIDICULOUS love and DANGEROUS witness are irresistible” and it leaves us pushing the boundaries of what we thought we were capable of in love, serving and pretty much every other aspect of life. We believe wholeheartedly that God can and does still perform miracles. Our story is an example.

Every story of fostering and adopting is different, but ours has been immensely tumultuous. I know others have had a similar path, but I want those who need encouragement to hear me loudly. If you are on this path, God has CHOSEN you! Chosen you because he knew that you could speak life into a child and make a difference! “Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Why?

Imagine not knowing what “family” really looks like, what trust really looks like, what “normal” looks like to a child from a “hard place”. We have our own view of the world and what our “normal” is by how our past has shaped us. Family is supposed to be love and belonging, but what if you’ve always been pushed away and mistreated? Trust is supposed to have a safe, secure feeling, but what if you’ve always felt unprotected and having to fend for yourself? Normal? What is normal? Normal is what you know your reality to be. How do you find a new “normal” then? How long does it take to build trust, security, a feeling of safety?

As excited as a child might be to have a new family and to finally have all these qualities surrounding him, there is still loss. Loss of friends, family, familiarity. Loss hurts, loss is deep, loss can be so vast that it’s sometimes unexplainable. It leaves a hole, a searching, a longing, but also a seemingly impenetrable fortress. A protective layer built around himself because he wants to be shielded from further or future loss and hurt. What if this isn’t “forever” like the new family says it is. What if there comes a time when my new family realizes they don’t want me anymore? Lots of deep, challenging, hurting questions that aren’t verbalized, swirl in a child’s head. They can’t tell you either, because that shows weakness and self-preservation is of utmost importance. Previous life has taught him that he must stay in control of everything, just to survive.

Unconditional

So, how do I love what doesn’t love me in return? Time after time? He pushes me away, staying behind his fortified wall. Defense mechanisms like hurtful actions and words cut me to the core. My sheltered life thus far has not prepared me for any of this! I can only imagine this is how our heavenly Father feels about us, before we really know and choose him. He loves us with open arms, with all our ugliness, filth, sin, rejection. How can he love me when I am so unlovely? That’s the kind of love I want to have, to pour out on others. Love that has no boundaries, that has no prerequisites, no need for anything in return. How do I do that? I pray constantly for the strength and grace of God to be that person!

I’m so not there yet. When I’m hurt, I have a tendency to hurt back. I yell and scream and threaten for control of the situation. Control? I can’t even control my own thoughts and emotions. I embrace the constant feeling of failure. I feel deep rejection that is magnified by my own past, that includes rejection as well. I question my capabilities, my parenting, my worth. This is when I hear myself ask, “who am I?” This is not who I used to be. Where do I find the me I used to be, the me I’m supposed to be?

There is hope

Rose colored glasses, abounding optimism and the gift of faith is what drives me. Hope has to be present, because God is present. He is faithful and he has called us to this path, of that, I am certain. God promises hope and a future! This is the verse I call on again and again… Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

Are you on a similar adoption journey? I charge you to seek him! Are you hurting, desperate, hopeless? Seek him with all your heart and you will find him. You will find his strength, his love, his wide arms ready to envelope you. You can do this! Put on your big girl panties and seek! God has the map, we only need to humbly ask for the directions! God loves you SO much, he just patiently awaits your invitation. He will lead you to resources, friends, counselors, books, videos, information, places for respite. He will give you everything you need, if you will only seek and ask.

Again

I’ve had another one of those days. One that seems all too familiar. This is where I find myself again… on the floor… seeking God with all my heart. “God, where are you in all of this? Why, why does this have to be so hard? I know you’re sharpening me, growing me, deepening me, but can’t we do this another way?” “No,” I audibly hear him softly whisper, and I once again cry and plead, but this time with a strengthened heart and a different kind of questioning. Knowing that he IS with me always, giving me a glimmer of hope and a peace that truly does pass all understanding. Sometimes it is just enough for one more day, but one more day is all I need to show ridiculous love to someone like me… “Who am I?” An unlovely, loved child.

Comments on your fostering or adoption journey? I’d love to hear them!